10/21/14

uh hello

nothing. i just feel bad for not updating my blog for quite some time.
and i feel worse because it seems like i only remember to visit my blog when i'm sad.

seriously though, i want to constantly blog.. again.. like i used to. i might, no, i should! i should do a recap about the happenings in my life these past weeks. not that anyone cares but i don't care either if no one cares (wait, what?) this is my blog anyway. i believe this is what would make me feel better.

p.s. it goes without saying that i am sad right now. ha! i'm such a psychologist!

8/12/14

not even soft kitty can make me feel better. oh, right, it's a sick song, not a sad song.

8/8/14


Okay lang kahit hindi mo na ko kilala paguwi ko dyan sobrang love pa din kitang pusa ka ❤️
may mga tao talagang sadyang saksakan at baril-barilan ng kapal ng mukha. matagal hindi makikipag catch up sakin tapos biglang magmemessage out of nowhere dahil may tatanungin, o kaya mangungutang, o kaya ipapaalala sakin yung chocolate nila? wow ha? hahahhahaha

hindi naman ako madamot. sobrang mapagbigay ko nga e manang mana ko sa nanay ko hahahahahaha my mom is kind and generous to everyone (yes, EVERYONE) pati sa mga taong hindi naman kind at generous sa kanya. sa sobrang kind nya inaabuso sya ng mga tao and she's still too kind to tolerate that. pero wala pa ko sa ganung point hahahaha naiinis lang ako kasi simula nung nakapunta ko dito sa states, may mga tao / kaibigan na lumalapit at nakikipagusap lang sakin kapag may kailangan.

mas gusto ko pang bigyan yung mga taong hindi ko palaging nakakausap pero kapag nagusap kami ulit kakamustahin ako, magtatanong tungkol sakin o iuupdate ako ng mga bago sa buhay nya. hindi yung mga puro hingi hingi! hindi na lang maghintay na bigyan sila! feeling ko tuloy nagiging minda jr. na talaga ko. paboritong hingian ng bayan? hahahahahahaha

8/3/14

hindi naman na mahalaga kung ano maramdaman ko sa ginagawa nya as long as masaya sya kasi yun lang naman ang concern ko :)

7/27/14


lalo akong naiinlove oh my god

7/26/14

i'm dating the gh4n6zT4h~


HAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS MAN SO MUCHO
okay lang, shit happens :D move on na lang, basta ang mahalaga okay pa din kami ngayon hahahaha iiwasan ko nalang din mag inarte sa mga mga bagay na sobrang babaw :D hehehe sorry

7/23/14


I got something cute in the mail today :D a pusheen eating noodle shirt for my wearvin :D 1/3 of my luggage is full of pasalubong for him and our cat alone hahahahaha hindi pa kasama yung mga pagkain na gusto ko ipatry sa kanya hihihi i'm so excited to stay in the philippines again!!! ❤️ 166 days, 12 hours and 25 minutes na lang flight ko na!!!! Yaaaaay!
i tried to offer my hand but they want to get the rest of my arm O_O wotf friends?! i gotta stop being so nice to you now. sorry. can't handle abusive people.
i'm sorry, i've been too rude. it's so not like me. time for me to stop.

7/22/14


wala naman daw palang laman e? does it mean i was lying the whole time? aww, kung sabagay, iba nga naman yung "sinasabi" sa "pinapakita" D: words speak louder than actions if you choose to take everything literally :D and yes, everything i did before doesn't matter now.
e kung ako kaya yung maglaro o gumawa ng ibang bagay kung kailan may (limited) free time kami pareho? :D

7/21/14

i've already seen this before but i just cannot not share this on my blog :3



me and him in a nutshell. hahahaha naalala ko nung palagi ko syang tinitickle torture dahil sobrang lakas ng kiliti nya tapos masasaktan nya ko unintentionally tapos mapipikon at maiiyak ako sa sakit tapos sasabihin nya OA lang ako????? hahahahahha omg i miss my man so much

7/20/14


yay! i'm so happy not only because one of my bestfriends got me a freaking tardis bag but also with the mere fact that i'll get to receive something from a friend  without even having to ask~ hindi nga kami madalas makapagusap ni payeh tapos binilihan nya pa ko ng regalo ng walang dahilan huhuhu nakakahiya lang D: pero sobrang natutuwa ako kasi hindi naman lahat ng mga kaibigan ko binibigyan ako ng gift kaya hindi ako masyadong sanay sa ganitong feeling :D hahahahaha hashtag happy kid 

7/19/14

after so many months, i got the guts to tell him everything about my insecurities. yes, finally. it didn't go easy though. we had a crazy fight about it. but it was worth it. i think it was a pretty good argument. i love the fact that he was able to calm down. props to him for managing to pull his shit together in the middle of the fight. i somehow felt my importance haha :) good communication with each other is our edge after all, the way we approach and talk things open-mindedly. it's something that brought us together 3 years ago, and it's also what holds our relationship to stay strong. hopefully, this keeps going~

.
.
.

on the other hand... i still can't get rid of my insecurities. it's not about him anymore. it's about me. a battle between me and my self-esteem. i've always had this low confidence when it comes to my partner. i can't help thinking that all the ladies around him are better than me and he could easily dump and replace with me with some new girl who is prettier, richer, nicer or someone he can easily be proud of and show off to everyone he knows.

if only i had a better life to begin with. hahahahahahahahahhahha :(

7/18/14

my closest friends can tell how much i love money. haha, yes! money makes me happy! :D i love the idea of earning money and spending it to get the things i want or get things for the people i care for. i know money isn't everything but with it, you can secure yourself and your family with basic necessities. with money, you can travel and see the world. with money, you can buy or do things to make you and your loved ones happy at the very least~ it's not about the material thing that you get for them. it's the thought of you sharing to them what you have earned, the primary fact that you remembered them.

doesn't that feel like an achievement? when you get to afford things with your own money that you worked for instead of spending the money your parents gave you? now think about it, you've been a burden to your parents for how long? two decades? you gotta start moving your butt. you can't depend on them for the rest of your life. start doing something productive like not being a burden to them. hahahahaha hashtag note to self

PS. sana next year makapag move out na ko
oh my god hahahahahahahsdajfaklgjakslhg okay. i just saw something funny. no, it's not funny funny. but it was a funny thing to see. and i hate the fact that i cannot unsee it. fuck this.

- - -

narealize ko lang na wala na kaming interactions sa facebook. yeah, sa chat meron. pero hindi na katulad dati na nagcocomment o naglilike siya sa posts ko. hindi naman sa gusto ko ng attention nya (okay, actually deep inside gusto ko talaga hahahaha) pero hindi ko kasi alam kung hindi nya lang ba napapansin o hindi talaga nya pinapansin? kasi hello nasa facebook naman sya lagi? nakakapaglike nga sya ng picture ng iba tapos minsan may comment pang nakaka ano.. hahahahahahaha

hindi ko lang kasi gets bakit nung nasa pinas pa ko nakikipagharutan at nakikipaglandian naman sya sakin sa facebook hahaha akala nga nung iba wala na kami. kasi dati nagpopost ako ng picture namin, tinag ko na't lahat lahat, NR pa din hahahahahahahaha nakakainggit lang yung friends nya na naipopost nya sa sarili nyang wall. sana nga kunwari friends nalang kami para okay lang makita ng mama nya haha feeling ko tuloy hindi sya proud sakin :D pero okay lang :D sino nga ba naman magiging proud sa tulad ko hays HAHAHAHAHAHAHA joke

grabe ang arte ko huhuhuhuhu pati ba naman to pinoproblema ko. hahaha ang dami kong problema sa buhay, feeling ko kung nakakapagsalita lang yung blog ko sasabihin nya maglason nalang ako hahahahahaha pansariling arte ko lang naman to kaya wag nyo na ko intindihin :D don't mind me, guys. i'm crazy. i just need to get this off my chest. promise last ko na to :D

note to self: don't stalk your boyfriend. there are things you'd rather not see. ignorance is fucking bliss :D
don't you realize how lucky you are? that everything is about you? it's always been about you. i can't tell if it's a good thing but i know this won't do anything good in the long run. so, yeah.

7/11/14

feeling mediocre and submissive again~ blaming myself for everything like always~ i hate myself for having so much self-hate (self-hateception) well, it's actually my fault since i gave someone else the power to make me feel inferior and weak (see? i'm still taking responsibility omg i'm not even trying i promise)

funny how i hate myself so much. yeah, i find it funny! hahaha i don't understand how other girls get so much confidence with themselves? like where are they getting their self-esteem? T^T i can't even get close to the idea that i'm good enough. feels like everything nice i've ever done becomes meaningless when i did one tiny mistake.

*sigh* i need to give myself a break. thinking about it would just make things even more complicated. hakuna matata, bitch. what's the point of hoping anyway? i'm tired. tired of hoping, tired of worrying, tired of pleasing people, tired of everything.
i'm not the type of person who seeks for signs to prove myself something. i actually think depending your destiny on signs is crazy because they don't justify scientifically whether something is true or will likely happen. just because you saw a male hippo driving a pink car today doesn't mean your crush likes you back. hello???

i'm not saying signs aren't true though. no one can really tell. like who knows? it's all about trust anyway~ and a friend once told me that the concept of trust doesn't need or have any scientific explanation... maybe that's why i've trust issues. i don't easily believe in anything i hear or read unless the physical proof i wanted gets slapped right in my face. (omg not literally, okay?!)

well. my main point here is just.. no matter how big or little the odds are, you'd still just believe in what you want, and not because you got the shitty sign you've been waiting for.

conversely, sometimes the absence of signs is already a sign.

7/3/14

I didn't even have to ask him to take and send me a photo of himself to make my day~ i know how much he hates taking selfies and going through the hassle of learning how to upload photos on certain social networks~ but he just randomly did :D little things like this matter so much when you're 8075198631961731 miles away ❤️ 


My hard feelings are suddenly gone. I just can never resist this man. Not ever. 

7/2/14


sorry for being apologetic :<

i just wanna share (probably) the best article i've ever read about marriage. it says here all the basic things you need to know how to keep your relationship strong and healthy. it's totally worth the long read.

here's my own summarization: whatever happens, put your partner first before anything else (your own feelings, pride, career, friends, temptations, material things, etc.). i'm not saying to wrap your partner around yourself, but instead, wrap your world around your partner. make him/her the center of everything you do. let him/her inspire you to do better and not expire you. welcome him/her to your world without keeping any secret. but don't be overly attached to the point you make him/her a puppet in your hands. never take your partner for granted. don't ever neglect him/her just because you're mad, sad or too happy with something/somebody else. if you stay the same sweet, loving, respectful man/woman that your partner fell in love with the very first time you two started dating, you would never ever lose the spark :D staying loyal is not a hard task to do, i swear. (unless you're a stupid flirt by nature who sucks big time at taking care of relationships)

this does not just apply to men, though. the ladies are also encouraged to do the things listed here. if you wanna be treated like a queen, be sure to treat your man like a king too. (however, it's a whole new different story when you treated him like a king yet he decided to just enslave you, ohww~)

by Gerald Rogers

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had

1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

7/1/14

I'm afraid to expect something and see nothing. I just wanna be gone for now.
I look stupid waiting for someone to talk to me when i'm not sure if he even wants to talk to me to begin with hahahaha oh my gosh, silly me
"You seem like you're crying every time you see cute stuff." - Ralph

Hahaha well, this meme is basically me.

6/27/14

not sure if i'm indifferent or i just care more about something else ; n ;

6/24/14

Feels like he poured some ice-cold water on me :)
"It's all temporary."
"This is only temporary."

Now watching orange is the new black. So much more titties than game of thrones. And lesbos. Wotf ; ~ ; and oh, screw cuddles.

Thanks, netflix, for keeping me company tonight.
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand he said he doesn't wanna talk to me anymore :) i'm fucking done here
wow, pointing one mistake after another? parang lahat na lang ng gawin ko mali, may nagagawa pa kong tama sa paningin mo? kung meron man, not enough. you're perfect at making me feel bad. hello? i'm still your girlfriend? i want you but i don't wanna chase after you all the time. we're thousands of miles away from each other so we're supposed to put extra effort for this freaking relationship. lucky you, you have your friends, family and everything there. while i'm here, i only have you to cheer me up. and now you'll leave me without saying a decent goodbye. you know this is something i hate the most. leaving things hanging and unsettled. ayoko ng putanginang iniiwan yung problema. pero okay. you asked for this. i've given up my pride for you long time ago. i chose you over my self-worth because you're more important to me than anything in this world. i tried to make you happy by doing the least ways i can do. if you're no longer pleased then i'm done. and this time it's for real.

6/23/14



oh my god i have such sweet bestfriends T______T it doesn't matter whatever it is, but the fact that they remembered me i'm so touched ; u ; besides, i'm not used to get surprised by my friends so i'm really happy right now!! i can't wait to meet them all when i get back to the philippines ♥

ok i know i'm not in the position to stop him from doing whatever he wants to do. it's none of my business. i shouldn't care until i see it but hey, i can't stop myself from getting jelly ; n ;

in times like these, ignorance is bliss. like if you do not know anything about something, nothing will change. it won't affect your view of the world. you'll just continue being happy (or less sad)

it's actually my fault why i am feeling like this right now. it's my fault for stalking him. it's my fault for butting in his stuff. it's my fault for existing in his life.

my inferiority and insecurity is real. this needs to stop. ok, jiashi? please? ok. thanks.

how do you unlearn things you'd rather not know?

6/22/14

SIGH
i'm the worst kind of girlfriend anyone could ever have. sorry

6/19/14

"respect & understanding should always be present in a relationship. if it's not, then leave."

6/17/14

i'm good at ruining friendships in my own special way. unintentionally, tbh.

6/16/14

(Do I wanna know?)
If this feeling flows both ways
(Sad to see you go)
Was sorta hoping that you'd stay
(Baby we both know)
That the nights were mainly made for saying
things that you can't say tomorrow day

Crawlin' back to you.

Ever thought of calling when you've had a few?
'Cause I always do
Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new
Now I've thought it through

Crawling back to you.
*writes a tldr-ish rage post about some feels i don't really feel like telling anyone, not even /him/*

*reads it again and realizes how (over)dramatic i am*

*deletes draft*

he probably doesn't care about it anyway. i'll just pretend that i don't care either. but i'm afraid i might end up not caring anymore. oops.

ok bye.


6/9/14

but i still don't know why, why i love it so much
I'M TIRED OF FEELING LIKE THIS

THE INFERIORITY IS REAL

WILL I EVEN EVER LAST A WHOLE WEEK NOT HATED

HAHAHAHHA I WISH

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT, JIASHI THE IDIOT

LAST NA TO. I'M DONE

6/8/14

SOMETIMES MOST OF THE TIME I WISH HE HAD A PERFECT GIRL INSTEAD OF SOME USELESS GIRL LIKE ME WHO GIVES HIM NOTHING BUT MADNESS

NOW HE'S STUCK WITH ME

I FEEL BAD FOR HIM

FOR HAVING ME

6/3/14

"just remember there are better people with more decency out there ;)"

5/31/14

dear lourd de veyra,

ok so i see your hate tweets about one direction, they are all over my twitter timeline. and i was like, why?! i am not whiteknighting one direction but i am so confused with you ; n ;

are you having fun by getting so much hate from the fans? are you a part of some-kind-of-no-to-marijuana movement? do you want the haters-make-me-famous-kind-of attention? are you doing it on purpose to make the fans who bashed you even angrier? but you were the one who started it, yea? internet fandoms are sensitive. you should have been more careful of what you post.


to be honest, you are a pretty cool guy. you are one of the best journalists in the philippines nowadays. you are witty and all that. but most of the time (if not always) you are annoying because you give too much shit about everything. you are too opinionated. you whine at the most pointless stuff as if you are a teenage drama queen. you are wasting your intelligence on irrelevant things. and now, having a twitter war with some fandom, like seriously?

i just do not understand you. a popular icon smoking blunt is not a new story. you probably even know the beatles had their phase where they were so into marijuana before. and so what? to me, it seems like you are just picking on one direction so much (based on your articles and segments that i've seen) come on, you are a well-respected broadcast personality, give these band dudes a break.
if you do not wanna lose your credibility, you better stick to appropriate activism.

ps, you somewhat deserve the hate since you asked for it.

pps, don't you dare deny that you had / have never smoked weed! if you wanna come out, be sure you come out clean.

peace out, jiashi

5/27/14


i tried logging on to my very first yahoo email address khulaza30@yahoo.com (i made it back in 2001 and yup, i still know its password) but little did i know that yahoo had deactivated it for being inactive :( 

though i dunno if i should feel rich since i got to buy my own ticket to the philippines... or feel broke since i just spent such amount of money :( hahahaha

either way, i'm still going home! ♥

5/19/14


thank you, facebook! hahahaha

and yea, happy anniversary to us! :D

5/12/14

You were actually right, i depended my happiness too much on you. I even forgot how to make myself happy without your help. Don't worry now. I'll strive to be happy on my own like you do. If that's what you wanted.

Brb trying to be happy 
Problem is the only thing that matters to you is what you think. Everything else is bullshit. Even me. Haha

5/10/14

i'm tired of being hated. it's so hard to like myself. i just wanna sleep forever.

5/9/14

all i do is mess everything up whether i like it or not and make you go crazy mad at me i don't even know if any of my words still matter to you since it seems like i'm going beyond your limit and feels like i can't do anything to impress you anymore and now and you are probably starting to love me less because of that i'm sorry i'm not good enough for you
sorry ang tanga ko kasi e :( hahahahahdsakjdlajaklsjfklg

5/6/14

"Sorry i annoyed you with my friendship"
Turns out that he's actually right when he told me "they need you more than you need them", now all i have to do is decide whatever i think is right and good for me. I'm just making myself feel worse for complaining at him instead of taking actions to resolve the issue. What happened to my "do whatever makes you happy" principle? I really need to do something about this myself. Anytime soon he'll also start getting sick and tired of my rants. This is so not me. The me i know has a shitload of patience. Come the fuck on, jiashi! Pull your freaking shit together!

5/5/14

a failure son of ebish
I breathe you in with smoke in the backyard lights,
we used to laugh until we choked into the wasted nights.
It was the best time of my life, but now I sleep alone,
So darling, don't, don't wake me up, 'cause my thrill is gone.
(Say I'm wrong)
In the sunset turning red behind the smoke,
forever and alone.
Yeah!
You've gone and sewn me to this bed, the taste of you and me
will never leave my lips again under the blinding rain.
I wanna hold your hand so tight I'm gonna break my wrist,
and when the vultures sing tonight I'm gonna join right in.
I'll sing along, oh
'cause I don't know any other song.
I'll sing along,
but I'm barely hanging on.
No, I'm barely hanging on.
By the time you're hearing this I'll already be gone,
and now there's nothing to do but scream at the drunken moon
This isn't fair!
(No!)
Don't you try to blame this on me.
My love for you was bulletproof
but you're the one who shot me.
And god damn it, I can barely say your name,
so I'll try to write it and fill the pen with blood from the sink.
Woah oh
But don't just say it, you should sing my name.
Pretend that it's a song 'cause forever it's yours,
and we can sing this on the way home.
I'll sing along, oh
'cause I don't know any other song.
I'll sing along,
but I'm barely hanging on.
No, I'm barely hanging on.
By the time you're hearing this I'll already be gone,
and now there's nothing to do but tear my voice apart.
Nothing to do,
and scream at the drunken moon.

browsed through the throwback blog photos on my g+ account again.. it's just funny how a simple wallpost or a comment thread with him made me so happy like a kid who received a candy. haha i'm starting to wonder why we no longer do that today. why?

5/4/14

naisip kong buksan yung google + account ko at hindi inaasahang nakita ko dun lahat ng photos na inupload ko sa mga blogs (blogger) ko simula 2007 hahahahaha!! tangina! hindi ko alam kung paano sya automatic na naintegrate dun pero tangina talaga hahahahahahahaha goosebumps!

sa totoo lang, hirap na hirap nga akong iclick yung thumbnail nung ibang throwback pictures dun e hahaha masyadong nakakababa ng moral! yun din yung rason kung bakit ayokong nagbabackread ng blogs. kasi kapag nakikita ko yung mga lumang posts ko narerealize ko na ang corny ko pala hahaha

nakakatawa lang kasi habang brinobrowse ko yung buong photo gallery na siguro may 2000 photos, yung iba dun nakalimutan ko na talaga! haha pero nung nakita ko sila, biglang nagflashback ulit yung mga happenings noon~ friendster days, lame photo manipulations, online games and friends, cutting classes days, arcades, high school friends, batman bag, inuman sessions with charism, olfu friends, mga lalakeng nalink sakin (na hindi ko talaga alam kung paano ko nagustuhan dati e  ang papangit naman nila at di rin naman maganda yung ugali nila, pero buti na lang talaga wala akong sinagot ni isa sa kanila ahahaha), crazy things i did with bffes (nung panahon na wala pang issue at sobrang mahal pa namin ang isa't isa haha), some kpop, cosplay cons, my very own political views (yun yung time na nagfafangirl pa ko kay chiz at pangarap ko din pasukin ang mundo ng politika hahahahah!), self-portraits (hindi pa uso ang word na selfie noon, pero nagseselfie na ko hahaha), all the blog layouts i designed, ap mf days on league of legends (season 1 haha), how i became a cyborg, landian days with wearvin (minamind fuck lang namin yung lol friends namin dati pero nauwi din sa totohanan ang lahat hahaha), and so much more! :D

narealize ko lang na sobrang layo ng pinagbago ko. yung akala ko noon, mature na ko sa lagay na yon, pero kung iisipin ko ngayon, ang baduy ko pala dati :( hahahahahaha pero ok lang. masaya naman ako sa kung anong meron ako at kung paano ko magisip ngayon. feeling ko dahil din sa mga kacornihan ko noon naiinspire ako maging less corny ngayon hahahaha ok tama na to. bye

4/23/14

this is so far the most accurate personality test i've ever taken online. haha medyo maraming questionnaires pero nakakatuwa yung results :D pwede mo siya itry dito hihihi! - http://talentoday.com 


sumakto yung patience ko ang taas at tsaka yung independent mind hahaha because i'm always in favor of my own instincts and i don't get influenced by other people's opinion ;) determined din ako kapag iniisip ko yung motivations ko huehuehue

tapos yung taking responsibility ko naman at leading bagsak hahahaha well, i'm basically lazy and i don't usually like leading a group. i'm a freelance worker. and oh, i also failed at being responsive. palagi akong lutang hahaha lalo na kung andyan boyfriend ko :( sobrang dependent ko sa kanya huhubells i always let him lead. i'm such a submissive bitch. *smirks*

tama din yung di ako masyadong open sa ibang tao. tulad ng laging sinasabi ni wearvin sakin, secretive daw ako. coming from him being the person who knows me best hahaha :( pero nagtataka lang ako dun sa self confidence medyo mataas pa yung score ko e sobrang wala nga kong tiwala sa sarili hahahaha :(


anyways eto naman sa motivations, wala na kong ieexplain pa. the picture says it all. sobrang obvious nangingibabaw yung PAY! hahahahhaha oo na, mukha talaga akong pera at wala kong ibang iniisip kundi kumita. hays. okay.jpg :(
last night i had the best sleep. he left the gtalk voice call on as i sleep and sang random songs on his playlist, just like how we used to do back when i was still in the philippines. the call lasted for 10 hours. his voice was the last thing i heard before i fell asleep. and when i woke up this morning, he was still there. his voice was also the first thing i heard. oh i love the feeling. he probably has no idea how much it matters to me but it was seriously one of the sweetest things that he's ever done for this long distance relationship. i just love him no less.
mitchiri-neko march is my happy pill :3 i cannot not cheer up when i watch this. so yeah, i listen to it on a daily basis. i even bought it from itunes. yup. i'm just so obsessed with these cutie cats.



not sure if i need some positivity in my life because i can't think properly when i'm depressed / stressed. i'm starting to have more issues than natgeo. ugh or maybe i just need a psychiatrist? hahah

4/20/14

strange yet funny how i got more views than the usual after my last dramatic post. most people probably like seeing the others whose life are more fucked up than theirs. haha welcome to my hood, bitches.

ang lakas makafacebook ng twitter ngayon hahaha :D pero pwede na din!
why do i always end up messing everything up whenever i seek attention. i'm so bad at it. you know, it's not really my thing.. to make tampo over things. i am not like other girls who would look so cute when they make tampo that their guys couldn't resist. hahaha wow. i sounded so conyo there like ermegerd?! ano bang english term for tampo?

anyways~ i am also wondering what is so wrong with me that my body tends to make mistakes before i even know it? like whyyyyy? i wanna know how i manage to cause trouble to the people around me without even trying. i have too much drama for him to handle. i can't imagine him hate me even more. why can't i just die. just kidding! hahaha or maybe not.

this is one of the moments that i wanted to just disappear. the only person who loves me despite being so hateful is now mad at me more than ever. huhubells! i'm so bad at everything. i'm only good at one thing. and that's hating myself. yup. i'm sick and tired of being me. i wish a dalek comes up to me now and just do its thing to me. ex-ter-mi-nate! ex-ter-mi-nate! :D (excuse me for having too much doctor who) btw, is it just me or the daleks are adorable?! my friend told me i'm crazy enough to think that daleks are cute. how dare she!

i'm sorry, my poor little blog, for abusing you with my negativity. oh yea right, you've been doing it for me for a couple of years now so thank you. and forgive me tonight for having so much self hate in this post. i hate myself either for hating myself so much. hateception?

4/15/14

http://www.teen.com/2014/01/31/random-stuff/what-not-to-say-to-short-girls/

just don't.

Bwisit hahahahaha

Pero love ko :3
one of the perks of working in the BPO industry is you'll learn how to be an irate customer when you don't get the right services or products that you expected or subscribed for, and also how to be a courteous client when you have been treated pretty damn well :D

4/13/14

"what would you do
if you woke up one day
to find that i
didn't"

4/9/14

I wish i had something interesting to share so i wouldn't be so boring to talk to :(

4/7/14


"..opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit, thoughts, fears, future, hopes, dreams... that is being naked."
I'm not a sensitive type of person but i can't stand profanity being thrown at me just because somebody got mad. Sorry, it doesn't work that way for me. Nothing can make me cuss so hard at someone i really care about, not even anger.

4/6/14

lately, i've noticed my boyfriend is being extra sweet~ i mean, he's always been sweet to me. pero lately talaga sobra sobra!! :D hindi ko masabi kapag may binabalak syang gawin o ano. sobrang unpredictable kasi nun hahaha ever since palagi akong sinusurprise :3 and he doesn't show any clue (o ignorante lang talaga ko?) magugulat na lang ako pinagplanuhan niya palang isurprise ako hahaha kaya kahit more than two years na kaming naglalandian (kasama yung months na hindi pa kami hahahaha) e kinikilig pa din ako sa kanya haha ♥ 

minsan bigla na lang magbibigay ng epic / rare items sa online game namin, tapos malalaman ko ginastusan niya pala ng php yun -_- gusto ko magalit kasi ayokong gumagastos siya ng malaking halaga para sa online game pero naaappreciate ko na willing pa din siya gumastos para sakin despite the distance. tapos madalas sinasabayan niya yung oras ko dito. gising siya magdamag, matutulog siya ng umaga, tapos gigising ng hapon-gabi. para lang sabay kami makapaglaro at makapagusap online :D o kaya minsan bigla na lang babanat ng pick up line out of nowhere o kaya magsesend ng selfie nya sa kabila ng lahat ng hassle na pinagdadaanan ng iphone nya hahaha alam ko mga simpleng bagay lang yun. but every little thing matters so much when you are more than 8000 miles away apart :)

pakiramdam ko tuloy nasa pilipinas lang din ako tapos hindi lang kami makapagkita kasi walang pera pangdate hahahahaha ang saya lang :D at least may isang tao na alam kong secured ako! :D hahah yung ibang couple magkasama nga pero wala namang ginawa kundi magaway tapos nageend up lang sa hiwalayan. tsk tsk

basta ngayon masaya ko palagi :D i may not post about it a lot because i'm not good with words when i'm too happy~ pero mas ok nang ganito tahimik kami :D ok lang kahit iniisip ng ibang tao wala na kami. haha wala naman talaga silang alam at all. noobs

4/2/14

it annoys the hell out of me when someone i know is in trouble and he keeps on saying "oh i should have done this.. should have done that.. blah blah" ffs why not just move forward, pull your shit together and do something to straighten up your mistakes instead of whining like a five year old kid?

"never hold regrets" is probably the best thing i've learned about life~ no matter how bad your decision was.. or how fucked up your life gets.. just accept and get over it. you will always learn the best lessons the hard way. and eventually, you'll tell yourself "wow, how was i even able to get through that?" true story, yeah.

3/26/14

Overthinking kills my emotions. I was the one who chose to think about these stuff that doesn't really exist (or maybe not yet) and now everything i do is affected. I want to just disappear. :(

3/20/14


Thank you, nigahiga.

"If you leave, I'll probably be sad. However, if there's somewhere else you'd rather be, you should admit it. Don't lose sight of what you really want."

Ngayon lang ulit ako nahook sa anime! Anime na hindi ko alam yung title hahaha! But after watching a few episodes, it made me realize that i really miss wearvin even more than ever! :c it's supposed to be a romantic comedy school life anime pero literal na umiiyak ako sa scenes kapag malungkot, masaya o kaya nakakakilig :c kyaaaahh i wanna be with my kareshi desu so freaking bad huhuhu this distance is killing meeeee~ o(╥﹏╥)o

But anyhooooo i love the rooster! Haha :3 another pet added to my list of animals to keep someday~ mehehehe

3/17/14

The people that surrounds you, the people that gets to see you whenever they want, the people that you have fun with, the people that you talk about, the people that you're proud to be with, the people that came into your life before me. They're just all so lucky :')

3/16/14

Imagine being stuck in a town where you don't have any friends at all, you have no one to talk to about what you really feel, and you can't express yourself the way you want. After spending 20 years of your life in a country you call home, which carved you to become a functional human being, where you learned almost everything you know about life, and where you met the people you want to be with, then all of a sudden you will be asked to move to a very far place, far away from everything you love. Right now, i'm more than 8000 miles away from my friends and my boyfriend and 14-16 hours behind their time. Could this get any worse?

I feel jealous of the kids my age from my hometown studying the field they chose, finishing their degrees, having all the time and chance to hang out with their friends, spending almost everyday together with their lover, getting the job they want, going to places i've been before, deciding on their own how they want to live their lives. Why do they get to experience all those things and why don't i? 

Time drastically changes everything and it hurts to think that the place you want to be, is moving forward without you. And then a fear will start to grow within you, the fear of the moment when you finally come back to that place, everything you used to love is gone. 

3/9/14

why, hello there, my 6-year old blog! :D (actually 8 years old ka na dapat, kung kasama lang sana yung posts ko from my friendster blog at yung iba pang mga blog entries na dinelete ko na dahil nakakababa sila ng moral kapag binabackread hahah) oh well, you're probably wondering why am i here right now. i honestly don't know the reason either hahaha but don't you worry, my dear bloggie, i'm not in a suicidal state of mind (not right now) hahahaha

okay so.. first off, i wanna give a few updates about my life since the last time that i posted something here. within those 3 months, a lot of things have already happened. i've been to new places, i've got to experience new things, i've met new people. and now i'll give a quick look about some of those things~


two of the things i had to let go before i left the philippines. my laptop and my cat :c


he made sure that i'll never forget my last days in the philippines. and he did it just right. every single day we're together was amazing. those were the times i wish that didn't end.


i got a rad christmas gift from my boyfriend's parents! :D thanks mamu and papu! (hahaha just let me be!!) i just love the payales family so much that i wanna be one too ♥ (omg hahahahahaha sorry, not sorry!)


and then the doomsday came. hahahaha jk. december 27, 2013 was the day i left manila. wearvin accompanied me to the airport. i was crying legit tears the whole time. saddest day of my life.


my first new year's eve celebration outside the philippines. no valid argument when i say "it's more fun in the philippines"


i've seen a lot of pretty top hill views of los angeles city lights! yup, city lights are my thing ♥ they're so gorgeous i can't even


city of sins, baby!


got the chance to have a photo with this cool ironman along the hollywood bouleveard :D


universal studios! the first theme park i've visited in the states :D


then i traveled by plane alone to arkansas where my sister lives. it snows here, yes. and i was dumbfounded when i saw real snowflakes for the first time. i didn't know snow droplets actually come in a snowflake shape. gaya nga ng sabi ni dairo "such a stupid!" hahahahaha



my boyfriend showed me a photo of our baby, she's growing so fast!! :D i miss them both so much!


one less item on my bucket list, lie in the snow and make a snow angel :D


and of course, build a snowman! haha hindi pala siya madali in real life hahahahaha

- - - 

yan na lang muna :D namiss ko lang talaga maging active blogger. nakakamiss din magtype ng random shit dito haha my blog has always been my mind's toilet hahaha tatry ko na ulit magupdate palagi promise! hihihi (ilang beses ko na bang sinabi yan pero nahihinto pa rin ako sa pagbloblog? hahahaha)